Saturday, January 26, 2013

26 Birthdays

I wanted to write something at the beginning of my "Golden Birthday" in commemoration of the event. It is not that the "Golden Birthday" is special, but it is a fun idea that I would like to observe. Like so many other great nothings in our lives, the "Golden Birthday" gives us more cause to celebrate than we normally ought. Yet, in some way, is it not essential to the proper welfare of humanity that we create more jubilee than is necessary? Perhaps it is not so dramatic as that, but we can pretend anyways.

Now that I have reached this "Golden Birthday" of mine, I am not so sure that I am happy to have reached it. You see, with a title like "Golden Birthday" you really can't get much better going forward. Sure, we could come up with some more excuses to slather on additional celebration by saying that the square of the "Golden Birthday" be called the "Platinum Birthday", and in so doing we must celebrate to the fourth power of awesome. Perhaps we could say that the year our birthday causes us to turn a prime number could be called the "Prime Birthday" and to celebrate we eat an undivided pizza by ourselves. Or we could even celebrate our 31 birthday and call it the "Pi Birthday" where you must eat an entire pie. The possibilities are endless. Nevertheless, we do not have such traditions in our culture.

Although I have always wanted to start a major cultural trend, I do not think I shall succeed with this cause. Therefore, I relinquish myself to the fate that awaits, and shall grasp this resplendent year of mine by the ephemeral horns of its existence. Indeed, that I should do anything less then wonderful would be a crying shame, a most mournful waste of perfectly good potential. This day shall be - wait for it - legend - wait for it - dary!

So how will I start my day? It has already stared. First, I shall sleep until I wake up, which shall be followed by a rather vigorous yawn that will signal me rolling over and falling back to sleep. Upon waking the second time I will likely take some sort of cleansing routine, be it a shower or a bubble bath. Accordingly, I shall fall asleep in said routine for approximately four minutes. Afterwards I shall sally-forth to Tucanos, whereupon copious amounts of red meat and fried bananas will be consumed. From there I will fall into a splendid food coma, such an one that man has never seen before. It all gets sort of hazy from there...

What good is there in a "Golden Birthday?" I can't really say, but I do know that I really look forward to eating a small coop of chicken hearts and a few bundles worth of fried bananas. And, with luck, I will finally come to appreciate the fact that I have more Golden years ahead of me than I am leaving behind.