Be Kind

Today, while reading Facebook, a rather asinine and mean-spirited thought came into my head. Although it is not a rare event that such a thing should pop into my cranium, it is rare that I don't try and dislodge it immediately. But today I let it sit, to fester a little, and to germinate into something more than the original idea. Today, I played with that mean spirit, and it taught me something.

What did it teach me? That the world is much too harsh, that people are much too calloused, and that we are all too hard on each other. Many of you I am sure have read an article or two by some opinion blogger ranting about someone else's comments, or read their tirade against the growing following of some new fad or movement. Perhaps some of you have read it and rage was stirred within, directed at the author. Maybe you read it and wondered how on earth those people could possibly think that way.

Then something incredible happened: you closed your browser and moved on - or so you think.

Recently I have started to consider the impact that social media has had on my soul, and the verdict is mostly negative. What I derive from these sites is ultimately up to me as I make the choice to click on and read these articles, but that isn't to say that there aren't some factors that lead me to read these things. To say that anyone else is to blame is a lie, but to say that I am unaffected by the behavior of others is also a lie. Social media is, at its core, a platform to help spread ideas, information, and opinions in an anonymous and almost consequence free way.

And that is, ultimately, the problem. People can be so unkind, and when there are no tangible or physical consequences other than some words on a page, they become instantly emboldened to do as they please. This freedom is like a drug, imbuing them in a very real way with a sense of their power to express their inner most thoughts or feelings. In a very real way, social media cuts off the mask and reveals the darkest demons of the soul.

Of course this idea has been talked about countless times, both in major news publications, websites, and even insignificant blogs like mine, and ultimately it is an issue that needs to be addressed individually and not collectively. Anonymity is a beautiful thing afforded by the internet and should not be regulated. It is up to each user to do what is right with that power.

But this post is not on the anonymity of the internet. Indeed, let me get back to the angry social blogger. The first of these angry bloggers probably started their rants long before social media was even a buzz phrase, but their medium gained real momentum and meaning as sites like Facebook gained a user base. Suddenly you had angry people say angry things that could be read and shared by seemingly genial and kind people on Facebook who happened to share one or two of the opinions in an article written by said angry blogger. Readers didn't even necessarily have to agree with all of it because the angry blogger was good at wrapping his ethos around a central point while also taking stabs at many other things they didn't like. Those who read it were, for the most part, willing to ignore the ethos because the overall article validated their viewpoint.

What happened next probably could have been foreseen, but ultimately nothing was, or could, be done about it: people started to become increasingly more polarized by the rants they read on Facebook. Suddenly, almost without warning, the anger in these blogs became the new accepted norm. Someone couldn't write a seemingly balanced blog without someone else trying to tear it apart in the comments section. Users of social media would post an article for others to read with a few choice comments attached. Often these comments were polarized, emotionally charged one liners meant to invoke others to read and share in their opinion. While not a bad thing in and of itself, the word choices led to only further the polarization of opinion.

That is when we started to accept that we should read these articles just so we can stay informed about the "relevant" issues of today. While it is true that many of these angry blogs are indeed commenting on meaningful ideas and are furthering sometimes worthwhile agendas, the acrid tone in which they are written only serves to further distance themselves from an opposing view instead of trying to reconcile with that view. Such dissonance in public discourse doesn't serve their intended purpose and ultimately is the cause of the deadlock we see in much of the political world.

But it also serves a second, more subtle and sinister purpose. It may not be the intent of the writer, and probably isn't even considered, but their words have a profound affect on any who read them beyond the topic they discuss. In essence, they are shaping the way we think, we feel, and we discourse. Study after study has been conducted on the power of words in influencing the mind, and so it is a moot point to try and refute the fact that what we read will influence how we act. If we read anger, we will think angrily.

Social media is a great tool, for good or for evil. Lately I have felt like more evil than good has been flooding my Facebook page, and I have been trying to push back against it. My experience today showed to me that I am currently failing. I am ashamed to admit that I saw someone post online that they have been drug free for the past six months - quite a great feat for someone who has fallen into such an unfortunate habit. But, almost instantly, as though the angry blogger voice that has taken root in my heart, grabbed his megaphone and shouted sarcastically,

"Why do we celebrate this accomplishment of his? We should be proud of those who have refrained their whole lives, not celebrating those who finally got their act together. I should comment that I have been drug free for 27 years (which is my age) and no one cares."

How pompous and arrogant, and it is something that I would not have ever thought just a few years ago. But does it sound familiar? This deplorable thought of mine is simply swimming in that same biting, angry, and unproductive logic of the angry blogger. Instead of remembering the parable of the Prodigal Son, I remembered the fact that people are responsible for their own actions. Instead of remembering the joy in repentance, I remembered the fact that people who do drugs are perpetuating a societal ill that I totally disapprove of. The angry blogger has won; he has taught me to polarize myself to just one aspect of an idea instead of examining it from every angle. There is no fairness in my thought, only anger and self-righteous indignation - trademarks of blogs whose ethos is marinate with malice.

What leads us to keep reading these things and thinking this way? It is the emotional cocaine of the internet, this promise that we can think these things and feel the thrill of making a poignant statement and see its impact almost immediately. We yearn for that little like button to be pressed, validating our snarky and witty comment, no matter how derisive it may seem. Maybe Obama is a communist, but calling him the next Hitler doesn't even make sense (Hitler was diametrically opposed to communism). Yet how many times have you read this from your conservative friends? It makes us feel good to be so polarized and see those deceptively-addictve likes come in.

What ever happened to the idea of being kind? Hopefully I will allow kindness to prevail in my thoughts, but so far acrimony is still my opiate.

I Love My Wife

Perhaps the only idea that is truly unassailable in my life, because it is true beyond a shadow of a doubt, is this: I love my wife. Is it any wonder to those who know me that I would say such a thing? After all the many years that I have been longing, yearning, and hoping to someday hold in my arms one who I esteem dearest to my heart, I can gladly, happily, gloriously say that my wife is the nucleus of my affections.

This woman, on the left, I love. Can you tell?

As though it were physically possible, my love for her seems to have grown the little cavity of my chest where the organ that pumps the red blood through my stolid veins resides a multitude over. What a great and wonderful thing to have a piece of my heart distilled into a physical form known as Andrea.

Does this sound saccharine enough yet? Has the color palette of emotion painted a rainbowy sky of gumdrops and butterfly tears? I don't know, perhaps my excessive use of mushy adjectives and adverbs isn't really helping paint the picture which I desire to impart. Perhaps my words fall short; perhaps they come across as disingenuous. Honestly, it doesn't matter. My words, though flowery (as is my modus operandi) can really only scratch the surface of my feelings. These feelings have a depth that I have not yet fully grasped, whose pigment is only hinted at, whose meaning and use I have only begun to search out.

The meaning and use of feelings: are you serious? Surely when reading that section you must have wondered what sort of drivel am I dragging you through. Proverbial middle fingers are certainly raised in earnest consternation at the thought of my damnable preaching. Though the thought inevitably crosses my mind every time I sit down to write that the world could use a little slap in the face with Marc's formidable mind sledge, this is not one of those times. Indeed, this time it is just to share something of my life.

This expression is sort of how I feel. She still looks beautiful.

Lately, as in the last several years, I have noticed a considerable decrease in my lack of emotion. Rainbows have never really described the colors of my soul, but I would dare say neither have the shades of black ever been used as a mainstay in my emotional color board. No, not until recently can I say that my emotions have ever been so dystopian grey that it has caused the blues and yellows to feel neglected. I speak of a literal lack of emotion towards not just any one thing, but all things, as though I am on a major anti-depressant that kills any receptors of joy or sadness for the sake of consistency. No gumdrops for me, or for that matter satanic hell beasts stomping the daisies of my happiness. Nope, just a bland slurry of unidentifiable meal fills my emotional troughs.

Why do I share this with you? For several reasons. Allow me share with you how I know that I love my wife and how this lack of feeling has solidified it in me.

First, I want to share something that may seem off topic, but ultimately it is very closely related. I want to share my testimony that God lives and gloriously loves you, and me, and everyone. Many people like to describe the spirit as a feeling of light, golden and radiant that fills their souls. Others declare that such an event is simply a preconditioned response to an external stimuli. However, during this time when I couldn't force myself to feel a smidgen of stirrings towards anything, even things I once found so much joy in such as food, movies, and video games, I could always, without fail, feel the Spirit. My minds eye and my struggling heart have always beheld the beautiful spectra of God's love, bathing my life in beautiful color and passion.

When I feel stuck in a dreary bog of colorless life, the actions of the Spirit bring fresh green sprouts through the dismal mud, adding much needed relief to the monotone of my existence. Even during those times when I was so apathetic I chose to lay in bed because I didn't care to get dressed and work (not because I felt like a cloud was over me, but just because I couldn't muster any desire to do anything but sit), I could feel the Spirit when I did those things that God has asked us to do, such as scripture reading, attending the temple, serving others, and so forth. True, it has made feeling the Spirit more difficult on a regular basis, but when I do the work to feel God's love, it never fails.

Second, I want to share my apology to any who have had to deal with me over the past few years. Excuses are, often, without substance, so I will not attempt to excuse myself here. My actions were my actions and I should not let emotion (or the lack thereof) affect my behavior. That being said, I want you to know that it has been and is still a very difficult thing for me to work with. At times I may have seemed lazy, or red hot with frustration over seemingly trivial things, or black-hearted and recalcitrant, or even rude for seemingly no reason. These behaviors have often been caused by this medical condition, and I sincerely hope that you can seek inside your heart some mercy towards me.

Lastly, I want to explain how these things have shown that I truly love my wife. For those of you who have been, or are, or those who have ever talked to someone who is recently married, then you should know that it is a transition which grace does not often accompany. Indeed, marriage is beautiful for all of its flaws, and recent marriage is glorious for all of its woe. If you don't understand me, then please continue reading.

Our nieces and nephews. She is simply stunning.

Andrea, my wife, is one of the most kind-hearted, loving, charitable, and peaceful human beings I have ever known. She is the stunning blue rose amidst the yellow sunflowers that make up the beautiful bouquet of my life's relationships. She does have her stresses, her kinks, irregularities, and problems as well, and for that I am also grateful (who would want to live with a perfect person anyways?). But through all of the last three months she has been a spectacular companion for me. The discovery of my condition is not an easy one to live with, and the fact that it can make me completely flat can make a radiant spirit like hers feel smothered, covered in the sultry weight of my queer moroseness. Yes, emotionless-ness  is often portrayed as being depressed, angry, or bitter. Such stressors on a marriage can wilt any good mood if they let it. Andrea has, through it all, kept an almost glowing attitude.

Perhaps the most telling thing of all, and the keystone to solidifying my knowledge of just how much I love my wife, is that she is the only thing other than the Spirit that can break through my little crust of apathy and leaven the flattened lump of passion found in the dreary crevasses of my soul. Events like these give credence to the oft quoted idea in the church that a marriage does best when a man and woman draw closer to God, much like two points of a triangle get closer to each other as they approach the third independently. This, however, seems to be working in an opposite direction: the closer I get to Andrea the closer I seem to experience spiritual stirrings.

Two things in my life can dredge the shallow pit that is my emotional well, and both have grown their roots into the affections that go deep into my core, into my very being. I may not be able to adequately express my feelings to Andrea, or on any subject for that matter, because I often only have a few shades of grey to work with (I would kill for 50). It is true that sometimes I don't feel much love for Andrea when I am at my lowest emotional draws, but those times only accentuate the fact that I love her even more. Why? Because even at those times, when all the rest of the world has cooled to a lifeless emotional grey, at least Andrea shines a beautiful warm blue.

Enough said.

My Stance on Homosexual Marriage

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has recently put out an interview with two of its leading members from 2006 in response to the 10th Circuit of Appeals decision to overturn the Utah voter ban on gay marriage in the state. You can read the article by clicking this link. I posted this on my Facebook wall as I thought it was a good explanation on why I do not support gay marriage.

A friend of mine posted a response about how I do not understand liberty on a separate article I has posted earlier. For whatever reason I thought that he was referring to this article, and so I wrote a response about how liberty and the defense of morals are intertwined. In so doing I also made my personal, definitive reason as to why I oppose gay marriage. Take a read.

His Comment:

So, as long as you choose to live the way the 'unwritten rule' demands, you can be free. But choose something other than what the 'unwritten rules' state and the rules will then be written.

You're free to choose, as long as you choose what we want you to choose. But if you don't, we'll have to take away your right to choose... ??? Scratching my head here.

"Liberty to live as we choose" I do not think it means what you think it means.

My Response:

I appreciate that you feel the churches opposition against the amoral lifestyles of many in the world today is a direct violation of their freedom to live. Many of my friends have stated this sentiment to me before. To the contrary, they do not seek to impose or enact laws that prevent them from living in a way that they see fit, in so far as what the individual does will not impact the lives of their neighbors or future neighbors negatively.

That being said, I do very much understand what "Liberty to live as we choose" means, and it is not the sophistry that the world subscribes to. Liberty is not a "do what you want without consequences" ideology, but is rather a "do what you may and enjoy the consequences" ideology. There is a great lie in the secular world being purported by many that actions should not have consequences, and that one's actions do not indirectly affect another. Liberty is the quality individuals have to control their own actions. Note the operative word "control".

In light of this definition, the unwritten rules of which I speak are morals and ethics. It is impossible and, indeed, oppressive to lay down a set of laws that strive to enforce any set of morals and ethics. However, it is the responsibility of peoples, rulers, and nations to try as best they can to uphold these virtues. Law, then, has the responsibility to teach and to prevent intrusions into these morals as much as reasonably possible.

The morals upon which this country was founded are based upon Judeo-Christian morals, though it has shifted towards more secular reasoning in the past fifty years or so. Nevertheless, it is a fruitless task to try and account for all codes and creeds available today as there are too many to count, each varying from another in some degree. The best we can do is find commonality amongst the various philosophies and work from there.

The real problem, then, is deciding what code of morals we live by. Clearly the time-honored virtues outlined in the Declaration are to be utilized, and for the most part are adhered to in a great number of moral codes. Further insights can be derived from the constitution and present-day laws. Even further direction can be derived from coming to understand the effects such laws have had on peoples and societies and acting accordingly.

Whatever morals we do end up using, the fact is that liberty is founded and maintained upon the principles of whatever morals we decide to live by as a people. Since we are all at liberty to live as we choose, it then becomes necessary to follow these unwritten rules so as to ensure a workable and thriving society, governed by law and not the passions and whims of some faction here or there.

In any case, the current establishment, or the status quo, shouldn't be shaken up unless there is a significant and compelling enough case to argue for change. Even after the significant and compelling case is made, it still needs to have proof that it is better than the current establishment in order for it to enact the change it seeks.

With all these things in mind, the article clearly does not speak on limiting anyone's liberty to act, but rather is instructive on how liberty is to be maintained. We do not know the risk involved with allowing homosexual marriage, we do not have a good reason to allow it, and yet the country is all up in arms for change without bringing forth sufficient proof that this change is indeed needed.

Liberty is wasted upon those who seek to change the establishment for their own ends. Liberty is greatest for those who seek to change the establishment for the good of all. That is basically the founding principle of the US constitution. Read the Federalist papers that are the undergirding of the document for further evidence of that.

Change of Color

Recently I have been discussing with my wife the possibility of her changing her hair color. Admittedly I am a newb at marriage and, of course, I did not think that this subject was taboo. Come to find out after discussing it with my family at Sunday dinner when Andrea was at work, this topic is akin to playing with fire. Having only been married about a month and a half, perhaps it is a little too early to discuss changing for each.

But what is done is done. Surely there is no harm in trying something fresh, something new and exciting, even at this early stage in our marriage. As part of the agreement that she would change her hair, I would try and find a look on her that I liked. My first impression was the punker-rock black lowlights with a-line cut. However, having dealt with her blonde hair her entire wife, Andy helped me see the light that many girls with those types of hair cuts are not natural blondes, making her hair untenable for such a hair-do. 

Undeterred by her lack of faith in my vision, I decided to set out and show Andrea how her hair would look with certain colors attached. What follows is my exploration into some new hair colors for my wife, with photos courtesy of my sister-in-laws photography business Frame a Smile. I couldn't get the lowlights to work very well (which indicates that it probably is not a good look on a natural blonde, to my chagrin :( ... oh well), but I was able to make these beauties. If you want, let me know which one you like the most.

Original:

The original is still the best in my opinion.

Alterations:

Highlights Added

Red Hair with Highlights

Red Hair without Highlights

Original 2:

Yeah, original is definitely best.

Alterations:

Brown hair

Red Hair

Read Hair with Highlights

Red Highlights. Probably my second favorite.

Any way you look at it, my wife is gorgeous. I enjoyed making these more than any other picture just so I could look at her more. What a great thing photoshop is. Perhaps I will just content myself with these little images as being enough change for now:)

My Gratitude List

Some time ago I started a harmless parody of something I noticed was taking place on Facebook: people publicly announcing what they are grateful for. Though it can be a little sappy and completely irrelevant at times, I really appreciate this trend as I often do not express my gratitude as I should. So, in honor of this trend, I have written them down. All of them are things that I am honestly grateful for, but hopefully most of them are more humorous than deep. They are labeled by date of when I put them on Facebook:

August 27 - Two things I'm grateful for today: a guy dressed as a storm trooper on the side of the road holding sign: Death Star destroyed, out of work; and my niece try to lick my toe without me noticing.

August 28 - Today I am grateful for three things: Alec Baldwin's anger issues, go karts, and the fact that certain raptors in the time of the dinosaurs era had feathers - not to fly, but to stabilize themselves on the back of their flailing prey as they ate them alive.

August 29 - Today I am grateful that I really can't understand what most rappers say since I'm pretty sure most of it is Ludacrisly offensive.

August 30 - Today I am grateful for three things: gravity wells, public transportation, and the fact that Nikola Tesla actually had plans to make a doomsday machine.

August 31 - Today I am grateful for cream cheese.

September 1 - Today I'm grateful for three things: diesel engines, air brakes, and how easily John Phillips is annoyed.

September 3 (posted twice) - Today I'm grateful twice: one for being able to say I'm grateful for things yesterday.

-I'm also grateful that John Phillips played a game that got him physically abused.

September 4 - Today I am grateful for two things: the fact that bears aren't sentient, and that my niece calls for her dog Rosie and demands she is there when having family prayer.


September 5 - Today I am grateful for the fact that Futurama made an actual mathematical algorithm to help explain a plot device.

September 6 - Today I am grateful for three things: student loans, Trogdor, and air mattresses.


September 7 - Today I am grateful for apocalypse level rains, good lighting, and pizza rolls.

September 8 - Today I am grateful for a lack of apocalypse like rain.

Septermber 9 - Today I am grateful for copious amounts of Nutella that ended up on my desk, green bouncy balls, and 117.

September 10 - Today I am grateful for three things: the facts that mosquitoes aren't inherently poisonous, that I do not have the ebola virus, and that Kaiju aren't actually attacking earth at this very moment.

September 11 - Today I am grateful for the men and women who serve to protect and serve this country.

September 12 - Today I am grateful for three things: a series of dreams that continue a story set in the Walking Dead universe, a similar set of dreams that are set in the Harry Potter universe, and for good stories in general.

September 13 - Today I am grateful for four things: carpet, that i am not a vacuum cleaner, that Adobe lets me perform service for work, and the potoo bird.

September 14 - Today I am thankful to have a fiance that smashes me in racquetball... While using her left hand instead of right... And only having to walk while playing. Basically I'm grateful to be humbled.

September 15 - Today I'm thankful for lazy Sunday afternoons.

September 16 - Today I am grateful for two things: the creation of Ender Wiggin, and the literary death of Voldemort.

September 17 - Today I am grateful for what the Fox says.

September 18 - Today I am grateful that Google just does whatever it wants on its homepage.

September 19 - Today I am grateful for this joke: sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward - cuz that's how I roll.

September 20 -Today I am grateful for three things: rivalry week, BYU beating U of U in so many things, and the fact that Adobe is playing the highlights of the blessed rivalry on the Adobe TV circuit, which is about ten feet from my desk.

September 21 - Today I am grateful for two things: football, and awesome paintballing with the family.

September 22 - Today I'm grateful for the comfort of laying down in a bed, and for prisms.

September 23 - Today I am grateful for avocados and taxes.

September 24 - Today I am thankful for the power of Photoshop and Youtube.

September 25 - Today I am grateful for snow on the mountains!

September 26 - Today I am grateful for three things: pumpkin chocolate chip bread, spinach, and the fact that Yoda was not named Bucky as was originally written.

September 27 - Today I am grateful the British aren't coming.

Hopefully we can all learn to be a little more grateful for everything we have in our lives, including and especially the little things.

PS. The genesis of this project came from a discussion with my friend Jake Allred. Here is the relevant discussion here:

I was thinkig about what we were talking about yesterday, and I was thinking about some things regarding apostasy, and why they apostatize, and one of the main ones I came up with was a lack of gratitude.

and then I realized that whether one believes in God or not, a lack of gratitude is a the source of many ills in modern society.

so I decided to do my part and change myself by being more grateful.

and then it evolved from there.

                  -snippet taken from gChat (August 28, 2013)

My Love

Many of you who know me are aware of my long and great desire to marry and start a family. Many of you also probably know of my struggle to find any success in this area, and even more of you have probably had to deal with a sullen Marc (which I understand is a very unpleasant thing indeed). But to all of you who have ever had to leave the room because I was uncharacteristically grumpy because of some unfortunate happenstance in my love life, I apologize and truly wish you well. But get a load of this:

That is right, I am getting married to that gorgeous girl!

There was a fallacy told me oft times during times of dating sorrow that went something like this: "just imagine, the amount of pain and sadness you feel now will equal the amount of joy and happiness you feel when you do meet someone who will love you." How very false this assertion is, for no matter the magnitude of sorrow I felt during those times, none of them have even come close to matching the magnitude of joy I feel now.

To be clear, I am not one to give way to silly notions of romantic bliss from newly engaged young couples who can barely go a day without declaring from the roof tops how wonderful their "babe" is, and who often plague Facebook with those feelings. Quite the opposite - I will never declare on Facebook some silly haiku of devotion to my beloved, nor will I post a sappy pronouncement of affection over such a public forum for all to see. Frankly put, I do not feel like such things are evidence of love any more than popularity is evidence of quality. Love, as I have experienced it, is something much deeper and more pleasant than these.That being said, I am openly aware that I have posted this post on Facebook, but at least it took you, the reader, some effort (and thus some conscience decision) to read it.

Andrea and I met in our Single's Ward at BYU during the July of 2012. I don't actually remember exactly when I met her, but I think it was when I was moving her roommate's obnoxiously large TV into her apartment. From most accounts it would seem that she was there and largely was just the shy new roommate who was only around every once in awhile, often going home to her family or going out of country or something. So, for the most part, I do not think I really took much notice as she didn't seem to be someone who would be around much.

Several months later I had my first conversation with her outside my neighbors apartment. She had just gotten back from school and was looking for some dinner from her dinner group. We sat and chatted for awhile and it was there that I clearly remember thinking "this girl is definitely not who I had initially thought she was." As a returned missionary, and as an MTC teacher, and in the Relief Society presidency, it was an outright shock to learn that she was, in fact, not a Molly Mormon. Quite the opposite - she had an edginess to her that just screamed to be released. Later I would refer to this alter ego as "On-dray-yah" and the pert Mormon girl most saw her as was simply Andrea.

Several more months passed and Andrea and I were more casual acquaintances than friends, rarely ever interacting with each other in any way other than the occasional chat in the hall. It was during this time that several events occurred that caused me to reexamine my life, and more particularly my dating routines. For one, I turned 26 and was staring at the very real possibility that I would be 27 and still not have progressed in any meaningful way in this area of my life. Secondly, I was looking at graduating from BYU without having ever had a girlfriend. Neither one of these things are inherently bad, but I was not pleased with either one of them happening to me. This caused me to deeply reconsider how I was going about this whole relationship thing.

The church has often provided young single adults with direction about how to date, often times focusing around the idea that we are not doing ourselves a favor by "hanging out." Indeed, much of the advice given in recent years centers around the notion that we, as singles, must take our relationships into our own hands, that we must take initiative. Additionally, they also have focused on the concept that numbers do matter, that it is unwise to focus on just one person when dating until you both know you actually want to date each other (particular emphasis on the both was needed for me). For whatever reason, I did not heed this council for many years.

Then the existential introspection occurred that led me to change my outlook on dating: I needed to date, I needed to date often, and I needed to date all types of people. Too often over the years I thought that I knew what I wanted, but usually that led me to pursue someone who was categorically opposite the definition of what I needed. Actually, in all honesty, I was terrible at choosing suitable partners for myself, and too many times I simply fell for a girl who gave me a quick smile and wanted to talk back (hardly enough reason to be loyal to a single girl). Therefore, I determined that I would ask out all types of girls, even girls who I did not really have much interest in.

Now we get back to Andrea. Sadly I must add that I was not initially interested in Andy, nor did I really see much potential in trying to date her. However, after a few dates with some other girls, I started to remember a prompting I had back when I first talked to Andy that went something like this: "You should ask this girl out." Of course back when I first got this I dismissed it because I was a fool, but the second time I received it I decided it was worth pursuing. It is a funny thing how the Spirit works, for it is infinitely patient and knows that if we are receptive it can work its magic.

I remember clearly during this time that my friends Mary and Parker were getting married and they had an open-house/reception somewhere in Alpine. I went with my roommate and a friend, and there I met up with many other ward friends, including Andrea. All I really remember from that night was just how much fun and how easy it was to talk with this girl (and how she seemed to think the same). I didn't think much of it then, but several nights later I found myself at her apartment in much the same situation where we had a very easy time talking with each other.

After these two times I gave in to that prompting and asked her on a date. We doubled with her roommate and another friend in the ward with the activity of playing penny golf (simply described as a silly, cliched BYU game). I had so much fun on that date that I decided to slyly set up additional dates by making a series of bets with her via racquetball and other competitive games (she is highly competitive by nature). Each time we went to play these games I would make a bet that pretty much guaranteed another date. This is, of course, the perfect setup for getting more dates because a) you do not have to actually ask her on another date, and b) only a truly foolish girl would not see the bets for what they really were, therefore it was a good way for them to say no and end it then and there without the humiliation of rejection. But she didn't end it, so we kept going out.

Eventually I ended up asking her to date me (more like I talked her into it, but that is for another time), and from there the relationship has progressed. I would be lying if I said that our relationship has been a series of warm-fuzzies and day of unadulterated bliss, but it has been a wonderful and exciting time of my life. Through it all I have learned far more about myself and how I express and feel love than all the other times of my life combined. There is so little of bad that has happened this past several months that I almost forget what it is like to feel depressed.

Andrea Carter is, simply put, the best girl I have ever known. She has repeatedly and consistently surprised me with her unparalleled sense of righteousness and commitment to that which is good. Almost on a regular basis she sets a new standard for excellence that I can only wish to reach. Yet she is the most humble and self-effacing person I have ever known, and she is driven by a genuine desire to be the best person she can be. Her love of life empowers others around her to be and feel good, and she has a sense of peace about her that attracts even the most surly of souls. It is no wonder to me that she has felt the need to enter the healing arts as her very presence is a balm to the beleaguered mind.

And yet she is also the most defiantly independent woman I have ever known. Her independence is not placed on some misguided notion that she must be independent because she doesn't need anybody else, but rather she understands that independence allows her to do more for others. She is, at her core, benevolent, and she hardly does a thing without first considering the impact it will have on others. Compassion is the guiding virtue of her personality. 

But perhaps the thing I love most about Andrea is how she loves me. I am a very flawed creature, and I am also a very stubborn person. It would take a miracle for someone to come into my life, with all my faults and ridiculous notions, and not only be okay with them but actually love them. Andy is as quirky and odd as I have ever been, and she seems to love the oddness and quirks that I so stubbornly hold on to. She does not judge, nor does she shun my weirdness. She accepts me for who I am, and that means the world to me.

Is it any wonder that I would decide to marry this woman? I think not. It would seem like we were made for each other (though I know such notions are not true). But I do honestly believe that God has led us to be together. She was not a girl that I saw myself with, nor was she someone I would have asked out without some sort of prompting. But thank goodness I decided to go out on a limb, and I can't help but notice that the limb I stepped out on will continue to bless me for the rest of eternity.

Why I Believe

Recent events in my life have caused me to pause and wonder on why it is that I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is something that I do not take lightly, nor have I not considered this very thing before. As a man who has consistently attempted to try and live my life according to the dictates of my conscience, I confess that I do not always understand why my conscience leads me the way it does. There are, as it were, cognitive-dissonance points in my belief system that I have yet to fully grasp and reconcile. However, that being said, I would not for a second call me one with doubts, as this implies that I have a dark spot in my faith that, if not checked, will cover my soul in disbelief and eventually drive me from the faith. Instead I would say that I am believer who has questions, questions that need answering but can wait til the next life to be received.

But the conquering of one's faith by the forceful chiming of one's intellect is a theme that I too have had to struggle with for most of my life. This very thing of which I speak has happened to several of my good friends as of late, and from some it has come as something of a shock (though not altogether unexpected). Needless to say it has forced me to once again revisit the reasons why I can have questions, seek for an intellectually solid belief system, and yet still believe. I have for some time felt that I should write up how and why I believe, but these events have finally forced me to do so.

There are, from my prospective, two pillars that I have built my faith, and they revolve around my belief in God and my belief in modern revelation. I will attempt to be lucid, but please be patient with my weakness in writing as it is always difficult to vocalize a deeply internal belief.

My Reasons to Believe

Atheism, with all its promise of being truly intellectually freeing, has never in any sense appealed to me. Indeed, the very thought that God does not exist has never been entertained in my mind as the idea seems simply preposterous. I have always felt that God, in any sense, is something that must be experienced through indirect means and not through implicit observation or logical treatises. Therefore I categorically reject any logical or physical proof that God does (or does not) exist. 

The reason for this probably comes from a deep sense of spirituality that I cannot explain despite years of effort to dismiss it as something emotional or the deranged chemical reaction of an overzealous mind. I know that what I feel cannot be explained through some simple physical wiring of my brain for it is too consistent across all the emotional spectra to be anything but God (whatever you may claim Him to be). Even in rational thought I have at times had elucidation upon various subjects that were beyond my ability to grasp that has stood as a witness to me that He is truly there.

But perhaps an even better reason for why I intellectually believe comes from my childhood passion for reading. One of my favorite authors growing up was Orson Scott Card, creator of the Ender Wiggin story. Unlike most who have read those books, my favorite in the series was actually Children of the Mind, quite possibly his most maligned in the series. I won't go into too much detail, but in short there is a world in the book where a small part of the Chinese descendants have been genetically altered with super-intelligent children who, to keep the caste system in check, also were given ticks that could not be avoided. These ticks were seen as a "sign from the gods" and gave these children a lordly status. But at the end of the book everyone in the population is made aware of this defect and these children are cured of the tick that made them chosen of the gods. All but one give up the old ways. The one continues to choose to believe, and in the end is seen as one who actually communicates with the gods. A book is later written of quotes that she has given on her faith throughout her life, and Card quotes it throughout the remainder of the story. One quote in particular sticks out in my mind:

My father once told me
that there are no gods,
only the cruel manipulations
of evil people
who pretend that their power was good
and their exploitation was love.
But if there are no gods,
why are we so hungry to believe in them?
Just because evil liars
stand between us and the gods
and block our view of them
does not mean that the bright halo
that surrounds each liar
is not the outer edges of a god, waiting
for us to find our way around the lie.

-- Children of the Mind, chapter 8, opening blurb

The point of sharing this quote is to demonstrate that this character, despite having all the reasons in the world to disregard her faith, even a knowledge that her ticks were caused by the government and not some god, chose to keep believing that the gods were still there and desired her faithfulness. In a sense she decided that she would continue to have faith in light of some fact that she could not reconcile with her current religion.

Now this is not to say that there aren't good reasons to cease belief in God or in a religion due to some fact or logical premise. I do not view those who honestly explore the details of religion to be liars or to stumble upon lies. In fact I fully understand why someone would choose to not believe after discovering a piece of true knowledge that creates dissonance in their framework of faith. But for me I have selected to look at such an event as an obstacle to my understanding of God and not a proof that He isn't there. Faith has always required patience in ignorance, by definition. I believe in God because I fully accept the necessity of Faith in doing so. Moreover, I choose to let my intellectual objections die if I can't reconcile them, being humble enough to admit that I don't have the intelligence right now to understand, and perhaps later I can revisit and see what I make of it.

Note that at this point I have not made reference to any particular god, just that I believe in God. For that reason I want to point out that even if I didn't believe in Christ I could never be an atheist. There is too much beauty, too much elegant complexity to this world that I cannot deny His existence. I know that this is not a very good reason to believe, but for me it is sufficient.

That being said, I have and do believe in Jesus Christ, and more specifically that He has restored the fullness of His Gospel to the earth today through the prophet Joseph Smith. I believe that this man was directed in the translation in the Book of Mormon, and I believe this book to be an inspired history largely written by a prophet named Mormon for the spiritual benefit of man in our day. I further believe that inspired instruction and clarification came through Joseph Smith as a means to provide structure to a framework known as the church to provide God's power on the earth today and to lead us towards our own personal understanding of God's teachings.

Please note that I have very carefully worded what I believe in this last paragraph. I do not believe that much of the cultural doctrine of the modern church is true or even inspired. Indeed, I often find myself shaking my head at some thing or another taught in Sunday school or some other venue that is primarily cultural in nature and not supported by scripture or prophetic teaching. I make a clear distinction between the two because I do not believe that any man can give a true account of the scriptures or the doctrines of God without the Holy Ghost verifying the veracity thereof.

I do not follow the leaders of the church blindly, nor do I blindly believe every explanation I read. Most teachings are general and are, for the most part, intended to guide us in our own personal learning and interaction with God. The church is the framework God has established for us to learn about Him and His ways, not the end-all and be-all of His will. If it were so then God would have far more to say through his prophets on matters of doctrinal issues that plague many disaffected members. The fact that the church remains silent about many issues is not proof to me that the church has no answers, but rather that God does not see a good reason to answer them. It is further evidence to me that He wants us to act in faith and not by sight, seeking in patience rather than in impetuousness.

Therefore I believe because I choose to do so. There is no reason for me to delve into the mysteries of factual conflicts because they hold no appeal to my current state of mind. I do not see them as proof or even evidence that something may be amiss. Proof, what of it? I reject the notion that there is proof for God as much as I reject the notion that there is proof there isn't a God. I reject the notion that there is proof for the church much as I reject the notion that there is proof against the church. I reject the idea that there is proof in any of this.

So what do I accept? I conclude with a simple outlay of how I believe. Faith is a hope for a better world, a knowledge of things which are not seen but are true, an assurance that the unknown and unseen are there, that promises will be kept, that patience will be rewarded. I guess I do err when I say I do not believe in proof, for there is one proof that I have tested and has never failed me. I don't consider it a proof in that it is not scientifically verifiable, nor can I call this proof at will (thus making it hard to call a proof). What I speak of is the proof of faith. When I have been down on my luck, when all other things have seemed hopeless and I did not think I could go on, I endured and held true to the faith that I had been taught. I could not see the end, and I could not say that I had any knowledge of the outcome. But I held, and I endured. I was proving my faith by being patient.

What followed can only be explained as the proof of the trial of my faith, that moment when all the patient wondering and frustration culminates into the beautiful moment of bliss that can only be described as unadulterated peace; such a peace that leaves the mind for a moment doubtless and calm. Time and time again, through multiple scenarios and varying circumstances have I held firm in what I believed, and in so doing have come off conqueror - conqueror of my fear and of my harrowing doubt. Victor in that I successfully proved to myself that my faith was not in vain. Ultimately this proof is personal and cannot be transferred to others by any physical means.

My belief stems not through a single experience, but through an intricate web of various beautiful events that have shown to me that God is real, that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is His church on the earth, that the Book of Mormon is indeed a true record in that it was written by men inspired of God to give us hope in this life that God still lives and loves us. There may be errors in the church or its teachings or even contradictions within the Book of Mormon; but it does not make it any less true and real to me.

I firmly believe that the church is the keeper of God's power and authority on the earth, but in so doing I do not seek to discredit the good found elsewhere in other religions. I do not doubt that there are many outside of the church who will receive the exact same inheritance as I because of the situation which they were born in or because of the knowledge they have received. My faith is not exclusive to those who view the world as I do, or as some in the church would have me believe. That does not mean I do not believe in the need for every human to be baptized by the authority in the church, and that man would do best by joining this church, but I believe the scriptures when it says that God is charitable and that He loves His children.

God asks us to bear testimony because, when it is all said and done, this is the only thing I can do to tell you how I know He is real. I would plead with you to be patient, to have faith, and to trust that your intellect does not need to be satiated in order for something to be true. There is no harm in seeing the world through rose colored glasses so long as you will lift them to get your bearings. Don't be deceived by those in the church and those without, but also don't give in to your own self-deception. The claim of self-deceipt can be made both ways. Narrow mindedness is a plague of both the skeptic and the believer.

I believe because I have faith, and that faith has been verified. I hope and pray to God that you would see things as I do too. Faith can be enough, you just need to be calm and wait for it to win you over.